21-year-old Wu Hsia of Ningbo, China broke up with his 20-year-old girlfriend Jun Tang a few months ago. Now he's dating 22-year-old Rong Tsao.
But Jun was NOT over him, and she's been harassing Rong. So earlier this week, Wu had them both meet him at a park to get them to stop fighting.
But when they got there, the ex SERIOUSLY escalated things. She jumped into a RIVER to see if Wu would save her. Rong wasn't going to let her get away with a stunt like that . . . so SHE jumped too, and made Wu pick who he was going to rescue.
Naturally, he picked his current girlfriend. Then he called his brother to come save his ex.
But it wasn't all positive for Rong . . . she hurt herself when she jumped and had to go to the hospital.
I have some advice for this guy: Even though you've got two women fighting over you, the correct pick is NEITHER. I can smell the crazy on both of them and I'm sitting halfway across the world.
Arranged marriages are still popular in different parts of the world, especially India. Sometimes a couple won't meet until their wedding day . . . and only have a few minutes to get to know each other before they get locked down FOREVER.
A woman in Uttar Pradesh, India decided to make the most of that time during her arranged wedding last Wednesday.
She met her groom RIGHT before their wedding started. But instead of asking the usual "getting to know you" stuff, she decided to make sure he was EDUCATED.
So she asked him a very basic math question: What's 15 plus six?
Instead of "21" he said "17" . . . so she TOOK OFF, and refused to come back and marry him.
Her parents say his parents tricked them into thinking he was educated . . . so they canceled the wedding and started returning all the gifts.
I feel like I would NOT be able to think this quickly if I came home and found a dude in my house stealing my stuff.
Marti Wilson of St. Joseph, Missouri got home around 11:00 A.M. on Tuesday and saw a strange car in her driveway . . . and her side door kicked in. So she figured there was a burglar in her house, and jumped into action.
She used her pocketknife to slash the guy's tires . . . then she stormed into the house and started YELLING at him.
He ran past her with a bunch of her prescription drugs, jumped in his car, and took off.
But her plan worked perfectly . . . because as he drove away on his busted tires, he left a trail of rubber on the road. Then the cops followed it and tracked him down.
He's a 30-year-old guy named Casey Hueser . . . and he was charged with first-degree burglary.
The only way French fries could be any more perfect is if they ALSO got you drunk. So this guy's life sounds like heaven.
34-year-old Nick Hess of England suffers from a rare condition called auto-brewery syndrome. He has extra high levels of YEAST in his stomach . . . so when he eats food that's high in carbs, it's converted to alcohol.
He developed it a few years ago . . . when he noticed eating bread or fries or rice made him feel a little drunk. He couldn't figure out what was going on for YEARS until a doctor FINALLY came up with the auto-brewery syndrome diagnosis.
We all have a little yeast in our stomachs, but he has about four times more than normal.
Auto-brewery syndrome was first discovered in Japan in the 1970s, but it's pretty rare. Doctors believe people develop it after they use antibiotics for a long time, since those can throw off your levels of stomach bacteria.
There IS a way to live with it, at least . . . you basically have to eat like someone with diabetes and cut out most carbs and sugar.
Women have to deal with a lot of crap on Tinder . . . like so many creepy, aggressive, and disturbing messages from guys they NEVER should've swiped right on. But if men have to deal with THIS, they're getting the worse end of the deal.
A 27-year-old woman named Susan in Boston just wrote an article for "Boston Magazine" about how she's been using Tinder to find guys to shovel her car out of the snow.
Susan came up with the idea almost a month ago. She started swiping right on guys who looked wholesome, and changed her "About Me" to, quote, "Looking for someone to shovel out my car, nothing complicated, no strings attached."
She got three offers in less than 15 minutes and a guy actually DID come to her house to dig her car out of the snow . . . on Valentine's Day, believe it or not.
Susan kept her promise. NOTHING physical OR emotional happened . . . she just talked with the guy while he shoveled and gave him coffee and a scone. They haven't talked again.
Since then, Susan has kept on using Tinder to find guys to shovel out her car . . . and hasn't gone on a real date or hooked up with any of them.
Doritos are delicious . . . I'm not sure if I'd AX MURDER someone over them, but still... delicious.
Two guys in Darwin, Australia were hanging around outside a post office on Sunday afternoon... because, you know, where ELSE would you want to hang out?
They were trying to share a bag of Doritos . . . but one guy was HOGGING them. So the other guy grabbed a stick and DEMANDED his fair share.
His friend responded by walking over to a WITCH'S HAT nearby and grabbing an AX hidden underneath it. Yes, that's really what happened . . . no, we can't explain why a witch's hat with an ax under it was outside a post office. That's Australia, I guess.
Fortunately, two cops saw the stick-versus-ax fight brewing and broke it up.
The guy with the ax was arrested for threatening behavior and being armed in public.
(And if you MUST know, a "witch's hat" is actually Australian slang for a traffic cone.)
James Campbell of Dix Hills, New York got a new job a few months ago. He had a long commute, and he wanted to take the carpool lane . . . but he didn't have anyone to carpool with.
So James did what any of us would do in that situation: Arts and crafts!
He glued together a bunch of wood sticks into the shape of a person . . . then threw a hooded sweatshirt on his new stick man and plopped him down in the passenger seat.
James's genius plan came to an end on Friday around 6:30 A.M. when a cop pulled him over for speeding . . . and realized his passenger was made out of wood. He was cited for speeding and an occupancy violation.
When the media talked to him, he either showed off his good sense of humor . . . or his GROWING INSANITY.
He said the dummy is still going to ride with him and, quote, "he's got a sister down in the basement and on special occasions, I bring her out and she wears a tutu."
We found a GREAT story about a woman who got revenge on the coworkers who kept stealing her lunch . . . and it's a MILLION times more effective than a passive-aggressive note.
A guy posted on Reddit.com that his wife was having trouble with coworkers taking her lunch from the fridge at work. So he made her some buffalo wings . . . but covered them in ghost pepper chili powder and Blair's 4am Reserve.
If you don't know, ghost peppers are one of the world's hottest chilies, and Blair's 4am Reserve is one of the hottest hot sauces known to man. It's 7,476 times spicier than Tabasco.
He ate a couple wings to make sure they wouldn't KILL anybody, and says they were REALLY hot. Nothing would cut the heat, and the ghost chilies actually got HOTTER as time went on.
So his wife brought them to work, and just before lunch, they heard someone YELL from the kitchen. It was one of the younger guys she works with . . . and he ran to the bathroom and wound up vomiting uncontrollably.
Until I saw this story, I had never heard of the CHEESE MAFIA. I don't know many details about the Cheese Mafia. I kind of wish I could go back in time, when I was blissfully ignorant about the existence of the Cheese Mafia.
48-year-old Patrick Westcott is an employee at a cheese shop in Saint-Guillaume, Quebec. Last week, he tried to steal about 26,500 POUNDS of cheese. That's about $150,000 worth of cheese.
He drove up in a semi truck, loaded 20 pallets of cheddar and mozzarella, and tried to drive off with a lifetime's worth of cheese. Fortunately, the police caught him and arrested him.
So how does the Cheese Mafia factor in? A guy named Yan Jodoin owns a different cheese shop in Quebec, and he's pretty sure the Cheese Mafia is trying to control the flow of cheese in the province and beyond.
He says they were trying to put the store out of business because competition in the cheese world is SO FIERCE, people will go to extreme lengths to eliminate each other.
The police haven't determined if Patrick was working with the Cheese Mafia, or if he just wanted 26,500 pounds of cheese for himself.
You know it's a hell of a day when a five-hour standoff with the police is only the SECOND craziest thing you do.
29-year-old Ross Crampton of New Lenox, Illinois had a five-hour standoff with the cops on Saturday night, when he barricaded himself inside a house and refused to leave. We don't know if it was his house or someone else's.
After the cops FINALLY got him out, they decided he wouldn't be facing criminal charges . . . but they did take him to a hospital for a psych evaluation.
And around 5:00 A.M., Ross decided to leave . . . but he didn't have a ride. So he hopped into an AMBULANCE and drove off.
The cops tracked it down using its GPS and arrested him. And this time he IS facing criminal charges . . . for felony auto theft.
If only EVERY rude person could feel the burn of instant karma.
Matt Buckland is in the HR department at an investment firm in London called Forward Partners. And when he was getting off the subway Monday morning, he stood to the side to let a woman get off first.
But a guy behind him started yelling, SWEARING at him, then shoved past to get off the train.
When Matt got to work, he started conducting interviews for a web developer position . . . and the SAME GUY walked in. Turns out the reason he was in such a hurry to get off the subway was because of his job interview.
The guy didn't recognize Matt . . . but Matt recognized HIM. So he started the interview by asking questions about commuting on the subway . . . and kept going until the guy realized who he was.
The guy was embarrassed and apologized . . . but he was dead in the water. Matt says they still went through the full interview, but the guy isn't getting the job.
This story sums up everything we know about Russia: Everyone's drunk and they LOVE soup.
31-year-old Ivan Ozerov of Barnaul, Russia was walking down the street drunk last week, and thought he smelled SOUP wafting from a building.
So he decided to try to crawl through a narrow ventilation shaft to get his hands on some.
Unfortunately for him, as he was crawling through the vent his PANTS fell off . . . and he got stuck. He started yelling for help . . . and all people could see was his bare butt sticking out of the shaft.
Eventually some rescue crews used sledgehammers to bust down the wall and yank him out.
40-year-old Pamela Woods of Auburndale, Florida shoplifted a $15 necklace from a Walmart on Sunday afternoon. And there's a decent chance she could've gotten away with it . . . if only Walmart bathroom floors weren't so clean and inviting.
After Pamela grabbed the necklace and shoved it down her pants, she paid for her other stuff... but instead of getting out of there, she popped into the bathroom.
And while she was in the stall, she decided to take a NAP.
She was woken up by a few security guards who figured out she'd stolen the necklace, and they held her until the cops came.
Pamela has three prior convictions for theft, so even though the necklace is only worth $15, she's facing a felony petit theft charge.
When you catch a bouquet at a wedding, it means you're next in line to be married. In case you needed more proof that DOESN'T give you magical powers to find you a husband . . . meet Jamie.
37-year-old Jamie Jackson of Salt Lake City, Utah just applied to the "Guinness Book of World Records" for catching the most bouquets at weddings. She's caught 46 bouquets since 1996 . . . and she has the photos to prove it.
But even with all those bouquets . . . Jamie is still single. And she says she's NOT just staying single so she can stay eligible to catch bouquets. Apparently things just haven't happened for her yet. Maybe because she says things like this . . .
Quote, "My strategy is to be right up in the front because a lot of the time the brides don't know how far they are going to throw it. I've had many catches where I've had to jump for it. And I've hit little kids by accident."
If that's not crazy enough for you, she keeps all the bouquets she catches on display in a big glass case in her house.
To celebrate the 40th anniversary of "Saturday Night Live", "Rolling Stone" ranked all 141 current and former "SNL" cast members. It's not based on their entire careers . . . just their time on "SNL". And no guest hosts were counted . . . even if some of them have made more appearances than some of the actual cast.
Here are the Top 10:
1. John Belushi, 1975-1979
2. Eddie Murphy, 1980-1984
3. Tina Fey, 2000-2006
4. Mike Myers, 1989-1995
5. Dan Aykroyd, 1975-1979
6. Bill Murray, 1977-1980
7. Phil Hartman, 1986-1994
8. Amy Poehler, 2001-2008
9. Gilda Radner, 1975-1980
10. Chevy Chase, 1975-1977
And here's the rest of the Top 50 . . .
11. Dana Carvey
12. Will Ferrell
13. Bill Hader
14. Kristen Wiig
15. Chris Farley
16. Rachel Dratch
17. Adam Sandler
18. Maya Rudolph
19. Jon Lovitz
20. Al Franken
21. Chris Rock
22. Andy Samberg
23. Fred Armisen
24. Laraine Newman
25. Jason Sudeikis
26. Jan Hooks
27. David Spade
28. Seth Meyers
29. Martin Short
30. Billy Crystal
31. Christopher Guest
32. Tim Kazurinsky
33. Ana Gasteyer
34. Dennis Miller
35. Chris Parnell
36. Jimmy Fallon
37. Kate McKinnon
38. Don Pardo
39. Cecily Strong
40. Molly Shannon
41. Taran Killam
42. Don Novello
43. Vanessa Bayer
44. Rob Schneider
45. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
46. Kenan Thompson
47. Jane Curtin
48. Tim Meadows
49. Darrell Hammond
50. Nasim Pedrad
(For those of you who don't recognize #42, Don Novello's the guy who was BRILLIANT as Father Guido Sarducci.)
Tracy Morgan came in at #53 . . . "Spinal Tap's" Michael McKean and Harry Shearer were at #77 and #78 . . . Sarah Silverman is #101 . . . Damon Wayans hit #114 . . . Ben Stiller was #125 . . . and Gilbert Gottfried ranked #137.
Robert Downey Jr. did one season in the mid-'80s and he came in LAST PLACE on this list. But "Rolling Stone" puts the blame squarely on the show. Quote, "Robert Downey Jr. is a comic genius. Making him unfunny stands as 'SNL's' most towering achievement in terms of sucking."
(RollingStone.com has the whole list, along with brief-write ups for each. Many include their "greatest hit.")